


wHoLE aSS tuRtLe

by astoriaamalfoyy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, and have weird conversations, but this is the shit teenagers talk about, texting au, there's some wolfstar if you squint, they do weird stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28625379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astoriaamalfoyy/pseuds/astoriaamalfoyy
Summary: Lily EvanstoSirius Black: i’ll see you in hell, bitchSirius Black: not if i see you there first***the indescribable babblings of five friends.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	wHoLE aSS tuRtLe

**Author's Note:**

> ahah, it's been a while! most of these are based on actual conversations because i project my real life onto my writing but i thought this turned out cute; i missed by babies so much! although, please note, there's quite a lot of swearing in this fic!
> 
> also, happy new year's! it's so late, but i hope 2021 is all you wish it to be!

_Sirius Black_ to _James Potter_ : i want john mulaney and strippers at my funeral

 _Sirius Black_ : and im only telling you all this now so you know for the far far future

 _Sirius Black_ : these are my plans

 _Sirius Black_ : and i expect them carried out

 _Sirius Black_ : JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER I SEE YOU ON YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW

 _Sirius Black_ : ANSWER ME

 _Sirius Black_ : I WILL NOT BE IGNORED

 _James Potter_ : yeah yeah you want john mulaney and strippers at your funeral i got it

 _Sirius Black_ : wow nice response to your best friend in the whole fucking world

 _Sirius Black_ : what are you doing????

 _Sirius Black_ : are you playing minecraft right now????

 _Sirius Black_ : while i am pouring my heart into these messages????

 _James Potter_ : i will respond later

 _James Potter_ : and yes im playing minecraft

 _James Potter_ : with lily

 _Sirius Black_ : OH I SEE

 _Sirius Black_ : choosing a girl over me WoWoWoWoW

***

_Remus Lupin_ to _smooth crihminls_ : There’s this new girl called Kylie in my lit class.

 _Sirius Black_ : yeah what about it??

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : ooo does remus have a lil crush???

 _Remus Lupin_ : I’m gay as fuck, you baffoon.

 _Remus Lupin_ : I just wanted to say that when I heard her name for the first time I immediately thought of Kylie Jenner.

***

_Sirius Black_ sent a video to _Lily Evans_

 _Sirius Black_ : enjoy this beautiful video of me dancing ;-)

 _Sirius Black_ : OH FUCK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO REMUS

 _Sirius Black_ : eh whatever

 _Sirius Black_ : just another privileged soul who gets to see me do the wap dance in minnie’s class

 _Lily Evans_ : i -

 _Lily Evans_ : that was… something

 _Sirius Black_ : yeah it was something

 _Sirius Black_ : something beautiful

 _Sirius Black_ : something incredible

 _Sirius Black_ : something magnificent

 _Lily Evans_ : i have no words for your performance

 _Lily Evans_ : i’m speechless

 _Sirius Black_ : ah yes my performance was a success then

 _Lily Evans_ : i just have one question

 _Sirius Black_ : shoot

 _Lily Evans_ : how much detention did mcgonagall give you for this?

 _Sirius Black_ : every saturday for the rest of the semester

 _Sirius Black_ : james too

 _Lily Evans_ : why james too??

 _Sirius Black_ : minnie thinks he had something to do with it

 _Sirius Black_ : or well i told her that james had something to do with it

 _Sirius Black_ : because if i have to suffer so does he

***

_Peter Pettigrew_ to _3 smart people plus 1 sirius_ : do pigeons have feelings??

 _Remus Lupin_ : Go to sleep, Pete.

 _Sirius Black_ : yeah its wayyy past your bedtime

***

_Lily Evans_ sent a picture to _lily’s dumbasses_

 _Lily Evans_ : GUYS LOOK AT THIS TURTLE I FOUND ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

 _Lily Evans_ : I NAMED HIM CURTIS

 _Lily Evans_ : ISN’T HE CUTE????

 _Sirius Black_ : damn thats a whole ass turtle

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : wHoLE aSS tuRtLe

 _James Potter_ : pete that was really unnecessary

 _James Potter_ : just let lily show her new pet turtle

 _Lily Evans_ sent a picture to _lily’s dumbasses_

 _Lily Evans_ : HE’S A MODEL HOLY SHIT

***

_James Potter_ to _Sirius Black_ : mum says to turn down the volume on abba

 _James Potter_ : she and dad can hear it and its keeping them awake

 _Sirius Black_ : come say that to my face hoe

 _James Potter_ : i -

 _James Potter_ : im gonna tell her you called me a hoe at 3 am

 _Sirius Black_ : NO

 _Sirius Black_ : YOU TATTLETALE 

_James Potter_ : she says turn it down or she wont make you soup

 _Sirius Black_ : … 

_Sirius Black_ : tell mumma mia i turned it down

 _James Potter_ : she says thank you

 _James Potter_ : and that shell make you some soup tomorrow for being such a good boy

 _Sirius Black_ : SCORE

 _Sirius Black_ : you better be lucky that mumma mia is making me soup

 _Sirius Black_ : or else id tattle on YOUR ass

 _James Potter_ : for what??

 _Sirius Black_ : sneaking out to see lily the other night

 _James Potter_ : you know about that???? how??

 _Sirius Black_ : i have my ways

 _James Potter_ : fuck

 _Sirius Black_ : fuck is correct my dear jamie

 _Sirius Black_ : #blackmail

***

_Lily Evans_ to _James Potter_ : can we facetime?

 _Lily Evans_ : please???

 _Lily Evans_ : i had a really shitty day and i need to talk

 _James Potter_ : of course <3

 _James_ _Potter_ started a video chat with _Lily_ _Evans_

 _Lily Evans_ ended a video chat with _James_ _Potter_

 _James Potter_ : feel any better??

 _Lily_ _Evans_ : yes

 _James Potter_ : just remember that snape is an asshole

 _Lily Evans_ : yeah i’ll remember that

 _Lily_ _Evans_ : i’m going to go to sleep

 _James Potter_ : love youuuu :-*

 _Lily Evans_ : love you three thousand

 _James Potter_ : YOU DID NOT RIGHT NOW

 _James_ _Potter_ : ITS TOO SOON

 _James Potter_ started a video chat with _Lily_ _Evans_

***

_Remus_ _Lupin_ to _Sirius_ _Black_ : You did not come to my house and tell my mom that I told you that you could take Padfoot for a walk so you could steal him.

 _Sirius Black_ : i did do that though

 _Remus_ _Lupin_ : I. Hate. You.

 _Sirius Black_ : no you don’t

 _Remus_ _Lupin_ : You’re right, I don’t.

 _Remus Lupin_ : But I’m coming over to yours to get my dog.

 _Sirius Black_ : kay babe see you soon

***

_Sirius_ _Black_ to _Lily_ _Evans_ : yo evans look at this

 _Sirius_ _Black_ sent a photo to _Lily_ _Evans_

 _Sirius_ _Black_ : its you

 _Lily_ _Evans_ : AKDJFKDJGFKFJG

 _Lily_ _Evans_ : I DO NOT LOOK LIKE ED SHEERAN

 _Sirius Black_ : eh you kind of do

 _Lily Evans_ : NO

 _Lily_ _Evans_ : FUCK YOU

***

_Sirius_ _Black_ to _SIRIUS_ _IS_ _A_ _SKINNY_ _LEGEND_ : JAMES POTTER I SWEAR TO SATAN IF YOU DONT RESPOND TO MY VERY GAY MEME I SENT YOU RIGHT NOW ILL PUNCH YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU

 _Sirius_ _Black_ : JAMESSSSSS

 _Peter_ _Pettigrew_ : whyd you swear to satan?

 _Sirius_ _Black_ : hes my god 

_Sirius_ _Black_ : and jAMES FLEAMONT POTTER

 _Sirius Black_ : THE MEME IS SO FUCKING FUNNY YOULL PISS YOURSELF LAUGHING

 _Sirius Black_ : SLUGGY THREW ME OUT OF CHEM CAUSE OF MY LAUGHING

 _James Potter_ : i saw it

 _Sirius Black_ : AND???

 _James Potter_ : i dont know

 _James Potter_ : it wasnt funny to me but lily thought it was hilarious

 _Sirius Black_ : HOLY SHIT YOURE WITH LILY

 _Sirius Black_ : AGAIN???

 _James Potter_ : yeah were skipping history

 _James Potter_ : also were at mcdonalds what do you guys want??

 _Sirius Black_ : OUTRAGEOUS

 _Sirius Black_ : and happy meal with a sprite please

 _Remus Lupin_ : I’m trying to take a calc exam right now.

 _Remus Lupin_ : So, shut the hell up, please and thank you.

 _Sirius Black_ : no ;-) 

_Remus Lupin_ removed _Sirius Black_ from _SIRIUS IS A SKINNY LEGEND_

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : whyd you do that??

 _Remus Lupin_ : He was annoying me.

 _Remus Lupin_ : It’s what he deserved.

 _James Potter_ : was that a kim k reference?? - lily

 _Remus Lupin_ : Yes, yes it was.

 _Remus Lupin_ : Also, could you guys get me an oreo McBlizzard?

 _James Potter_ : of course - lily

 _Remus Lupin_ : Thanks!

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : for someone taking an exam right now

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : you sure are doing a lot of texting

 _Remus Lupin_ removed _Peter Pettigrew_ from _SIRIUS IS A SKINNY LEGEND_

***

_Lily_ _Evans_ to _Sirius_ _Black_ : i’ll see you in hell, bitch

 _Sirius_ _Black_ : not if i see you there first

**Author's Note:**

> if you want, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated and truly make my day. if not, i hope you have a great day and enjoyed the fic!
> 
> check me out on [tumblr!](https://emptysatellite.tumblr.com/)


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